Beginning to Sink, Part 1

This blog post and the next one are very different than usual. Typically I share content; these are about my recent spiritual struggles. I need your help because I’m “beginning to sink.” If after reading this entry you have a suggestion or comment, please share it below. Right now, I’m looking for any ideas you can give me.

It’s not easy to ask for help. We like to think of ourselves as self-sufficient, able to handle anything that comes our way. It’s pride that keeps us from asking for help. It’s also why we fail to turn to God for help. I know. I’ve been wallowing in the quagmire since I came back from Zambia one month ago. Last week, for the first time in a year, I didn’t post any new entries. I didn’t want to … and I didn’t care.

I returned depressed about the disparity between what we have in the United States and what the rest of the world does not have. The population of the United States represents 4% of the world’s population. Yet Americans consume 60% of the world’s resources. Perhaps that statistic clarifies why we are so disliked around the world. It’s also why everywhere I’ve gone people want desperately to come here.

But my depression is more deep-rooted. I’m angry with God. Not about injustice. My anger is about what God has not done and should have done in my life by now. My depression is a crisis of faith. Is He really there? Does He really care? Is He really able to do anything? If so, why hasn’t He answered my prayers? Where is He?

What am I angry with God about? It comes down to 2 things. I’ll share the first one today and the second in the next post. In December, 2003 my wife of almost 30 years died unexpectedly at age 51 of a catastrophic brain hemorrhage. It came out of the blue – a rogue wave that turned my world upside-down. It’s not the worst thing that has ever happened to anyone; but it’s the worst thing that has ever happened to ME!

I miss her, but over the past almost 7 years I’ve come to grips with her loss. I’m ready to move on with my life. I’m ready to love again. BUT … despite entering the dating world, there’s no one I’ve met with whom I’ve connected romantically. You see … my late wife set the bar pretty high. She was a godly woman – a Proverbs 31 kind of woman. Those women are few and far between. When I dated as a young adult I evaluated women based on appearance. She had to be a beautiful – and my late wife was. Now, in my 50s, I realize that beauty fades, but character lasts forever. So God, where is she?

Brothers and sisters, I’m beginning to sink. And I have only one word in response – H-E-L-P! I’m open to your ideas, encouragement, and insight. Please share them in the comment section below. In advance, I thank you.